Couples Therapy
At best, long-term love relationships are unique friendships that bring out the best in us. A thriving relationship is one of the most beneficial things in life. Happy couples report emotional stability, financial stability, and a sense belonging. Love can produce great happiness.
At worst, they can be painful, frustrating, full of conflict . . . or even loneliness. The friendship can feel so strained that one or both spouses withdraw, or become very critical, or feel trapped. The strong emotions that hold a couple together can also lead to misunderstanding and a breakdown in communication. Your friend seems like an adversary or a stranger. Love can produce pain.
Some of the benefits of couples therapy include:
Couples therapy can help. Sometimes it can help quickly; sometimes it takes more time. There are several approaches to helping people improve relationships. I use a synthesis of the Gottman Method, Relational Life Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help couples change and grow.
The Gottman Method: I am very influenced by the work of John Gottman’s research team at University of Washington. This approach to counseling is very active and emphasizes new learning and practice. It combines educational techniques, structured exercises during therapy sessions, and homework to provide an environment for marital enhancement and repair. I am a very pragmatic and action-oriented psychologist. I help couples better understand how they get off track . . . and what to do about it.
Relational Life Therapy: Terrence Real, author of several good books about relationships, developed this approach. To understand your relationship problems, it helps to look at the patterns in your family of origin, as well as previous relationships, to see the patterns you’ve developed over your lifetime. Some of your patterns probably help you get close to your partner, and some of your patterns get in the way. Together we come to understand your strengths and weaknesses in relationships and work to help you feel closer and more connected to your partner, and to develop new skills, if necessary, so that both of you can get your needs met.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is a well-researched approach that focuses on how people think (beliefs, interpretations, expectations, etc.) and how they interact with each other (verbal communication, tone of voice, facial expressions, positive vs. negative interactions, etc.). Practical techniques are then employed to help improve these interactions so important issues and conflicts can be addressed more collaboratively.
I am committed to sustainable change. It is of little value to make changes that last only a few months. Sustainable change requires an open mind, a willingness to experiment, and a commitment to developing new habits.
When you are working to enhance a marriage or other intimate partnership, you have to do a number of things that sometimes seem paradoxical:
• You have to change something you’re doing.
• You have to request your partner to make some changes.
• You have to accept some things just as they are.
• You have to think about some things in a different way.
My job: To know how relationships work, to listen and understand the unique aspects of your relationship, and to help you achieve your goals. It’s my job to stay focused on helping your relationship improve rather than taking sides on issues. If the two of you disagree on whether you should relocate, or have a child, or how you should invest your money—or whatever—it doesn’t matter which option I would endorse. My job is to help you learn how to talk about issues in a productive manner, and how to make decisions together. The only time I take sides is if one partner is doing something that’s incompatible with a happy relationships, such as addictive behaviors or violence.
Your job: To work in good faith toward improving your partnership. To do your homework most of the time. To open your minds to new ways of solving problems and communicating. To try very hard to work together toward change. To give this your best effort.
At worst, they can be painful, frustrating, full of conflict . . . or even loneliness. The friendship can feel so strained that one or both spouses withdraw, or become very critical, or feel trapped. The strong emotions that hold a couple together can also lead to misunderstanding and a breakdown in communication. Your friend seems like an adversary or a stranger. Love can produce pain.
Some of the benefits of couples therapy include:
- Improved communication
- More functional conflicts and disagreements
- Repairing the relationship after conflict
- Better emotional attunement
- Healing the wounds of infidelity or other emotional injuries
- More deposits in the “emotional bank account”
- More collaborative decision-making
- Better co-parenting
Couples therapy can help. Sometimes it can help quickly; sometimes it takes more time. There are several approaches to helping people improve relationships. I use a synthesis of the Gottman Method, Relational Life Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help couples change and grow.
The Gottman Method: I am very influenced by the work of John Gottman’s research team at University of Washington. This approach to counseling is very active and emphasizes new learning and practice. It combines educational techniques, structured exercises during therapy sessions, and homework to provide an environment for marital enhancement and repair. I am a very pragmatic and action-oriented psychologist. I help couples better understand how they get off track . . . and what to do about it.
Relational Life Therapy: Terrence Real, author of several good books about relationships, developed this approach. To understand your relationship problems, it helps to look at the patterns in your family of origin, as well as previous relationships, to see the patterns you’ve developed over your lifetime. Some of your patterns probably help you get close to your partner, and some of your patterns get in the way. Together we come to understand your strengths and weaknesses in relationships and work to help you feel closer and more connected to your partner, and to develop new skills, if necessary, so that both of you can get your needs met.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT is a well-researched approach that focuses on how people think (beliefs, interpretations, expectations, etc.) and how they interact with each other (verbal communication, tone of voice, facial expressions, positive vs. negative interactions, etc.). Practical techniques are then employed to help improve these interactions so important issues and conflicts can be addressed more collaboratively.
I am committed to sustainable change. It is of little value to make changes that last only a few months. Sustainable change requires an open mind, a willingness to experiment, and a commitment to developing new habits.
When you are working to enhance a marriage or other intimate partnership, you have to do a number of things that sometimes seem paradoxical:
• You have to change something you’re doing.
• You have to request your partner to make some changes.
• You have to accept some things just as they are.
• You have to think about some things in a different way.
My job: To know how relationships work, to listen and understand the unique aspects of your relationship, and to help you achieve your goals. It’s my job to stay focused on helping your relationship improve rather than taking sides on issues. If the two of you disagree on whether you should relocate, or have a child, or how you should invest your money—or whatever—it doesn’t matter which option I would endorse. My job is to help you learn how to talk about issues in a productive manner, and how to make decisions together. The only time I take sides is if one partner is doing something that’s incompatible with a happy relationships, such as addictive behaviors or violence.
Your job: To work in good faith toward improving your partnership. To do your homework most of the time. To open your minds to new ways of solving problems and communicating. To try very hard to work together toward change. To give this your best effort.
